Mommy Itachi
by EvilPyroKitty17
Summary: Naruto is turned into a three year old, and thinks Itachi is his mom. How will the homicidal criminal handle motherhood?
1. Unfortunate Accidents

Mommy Itachi

By: EvilPyroKitty17

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Naruto is turned into a three year old, and thinks Itachi is his mom. How will the homicidal criminal handle motherhood?

Beta: Mrs.TaraYuyMaxwell

Chapter 1 - (Un)fortunate Accidents

Itachi had said it was a bad idea, but noo, they insisted it would work. How could it not? I mean, what could possibly go wrong messing with the infamous Orb of Ages, sealed deep within a mountain, surrounded by enumerable deadly traps, and with a free curse included should you, by some miraculous turn of events, actually reach the orb.

'_This is how it could go wrong,' _thought Itachi glumly looking down at the three-year-old sleeping in his arms. The blond stirred and his cerulean eyes fluttered open. His eyes lifted, and met Itachi's; giggling happily the boy reached up and yanked the older man's hair.

"Damn it Naruto! Don't pull my hair!"

"Mommy said damn it." replied Naruto happily.

Itachi twitched and though back to how he got into this mess.

Flash Back

Naruto jumped and delivered a kick to Kisame's head, sending him flying into the wall. Itachi created a clone and sent it to stop Jiraiya from grabbing the Orb of Ages while he himself grabbed Naruto from behind.

"Bastard! Put me down!" shrieked the demon holder, kicking at Itachi.

"Kisame, get the Orb" ordered Itachi.

"Already on it."

Itachi's eyes widened and he dropped Naruto, looking down at his hand in shock.

"You…you _bit _me!" said Itachi, staring in surprise at the bloody teeth marks on his hand.

"Ha! Serves you right!"

With that Naruto took off towards the Shrine of the Orb of Ages, where Kisame and Jiraiya were fighting. Naruto dashed up to the orb and grabbed it, just as Kisame and Jiraiya's attacks bounced off of each other. Naruto's eyes widened as he saw the combined energies coming straight at him. The massive chakra hit the orb dead on. Suddenly there was a blinding flash, followed by a massive explosion.

As the smoke cleared, a wailing filled the air. Itachi moved through the smoke cautiously. As he neared the center of the temple, now crater, wind blew through the hole in the wall (from where Naruto had kicked Kisame) and cleared away the last of the smoke. Itachi looked around, to his left Kisame stood looking worse for wear, and to his right the frog sannin stood, eyes searching for Naruto.

A sudden cry made them all turn and look down. There in the middle of the rubble lay the kyuubi boy's clothing. The pile suddenly moved and a yellow head of hair popped out. Blue eyes met red and the little boy, blinking, stood up his full three feet. Tottering over to Itachi the three-year-old tugged on his cloak and said, "Mommy! Want up!"

Itachi felt the world crashing down around him.

"What the fuck?" yelled Kisame.

The boy looked over at Kisame and pointing, declared, "Fishy!"

Itachi looked over at Jiraiya and saw the man was staring at Naruto as if hoping it was all some sort if sick joke contrived by the mischievous youth. Honestly, all three of them were half-hoping the trickster would suddenly change back to normal and yell "Surprise! Got'cha!"

Finally, seeing no other option, Itachi sighed and signaling Kisame scooped up the boy and took off.

Jiraiya noticed too late and before he could stop them, the Akatsuki members were gone, taking the defenseless baby Naruto with them.

"Shit. Tsunade's gonna kill me."

EPK17: Get outta my head!  
MTYM: Hehehe…No.  
EPK17: ;; ACK!


	2. Necessities for Child Care

Chapter 2: The Necessities for Child Care

Itachi and Kisame stopped to rest after about an hour of traveling. The kyuubi holder had snuggled up to Itachi and fallen asleep some 45 minutes ago, but was starting to awaken.

"What're we gonna do?" questioned Kisame, peering down at the sleeping child.

"I suppose we should call an emergency meeting, but even so, it will be a month at least before all of the Akatsuki can meet." Itachi paused as Naruto suddenly twisted around and began to whine. The three year old spent the next five minutes waking up, and made sure that both 'Mommy' and 'Uncle Fishy' knew how unhappy he was about his nap ending. Kisame looked at the brat again and realized something.

"He hasn't got any real clothes." Sure enough, the toddler wore nothing except now overly large T-Shirt which was constantly falling off. Itachi sighed.

"I suppose we'll have to buy him some clothes"

"Mommy!"

"And we'll have--"

"Mo-omy!"

"--to continue searching for powerful objects like the Orb of Ages."

"WAAAAAAAHHH!" Naruto began to wail at the top of his lungs and start throwing random objects at Itachi

"Remind me never to ignore a three year old," muttered Kisame as he plugged his ears.

"Naruto, stop crying! Stop. Stop it! SHUT UP!" Itachi's yelling only served to upset Naruto more. He threw himself to the ground and began flailing about, kicking and screaming for all his worth.

"Naruto, please, I'm sorry, just stop crying." Itachi grabbed Naruto and began rocking him, whispering soothing words to the little monster-er-baby. When Naruto finally calmed down Itachi decided to just go with the flow.

"What do you want Naru-chan?"

"Need go potty Mommy!"

Twitch "I'm not Mommy."

"You am!" cried Naruto happily, placing a wet kiss on Itachi's cheek. Itachi looked over and saw Kisame nearly dying of laughter.

"Kisame…" growled Itachi darkly.

"Oh, shit."

"Here." Itachi thrust Naruto at his partner. Poor Kisame just stared in shock as the blond began to climb all over him. "I'm going shopping. Take care of the kid while I'm gone."

"Nooo!" Surprisingly it wasn't the shark man who uttered this anguished declaration (probably because he was still in shock) but a teary-eyed Naruto.

"'Ruto wanna go bye-byes to!"

"Forgive me Naru-chan but you have to stay with Uncle Fishy while I go to the store."

"Want kiss bye!" begged the tiny ninja, raising his arms toward Itachi. The killer twitched.

"Pwease! Mommy!" Sighing in resignation Itachi walked over to the boy and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. He then slapped Uncle Fishy out of his stupor and headed for the nearest town. Behind him he heard Naruto call out,

"Bye-byes Mommy! I loves yous!"

Itachi twitched again. He had the feeling he'd better get used to it. And he was definitely developing a nervous tic.

As Itachi headed into the nearby town for supplies, namely, clothes for the baby Naruto, Kisame was left to deal with the problem child.

"Wahhhh!"

"Stop crying! Why are you crying? Look, it's a birdie! See the bir-ow! Hey! Stop hitting me! Why are you hitting me! And- HOLY! No! NO! Bad Naruto! No peeing on me! Stop peeing! Why are you peeing on me!"

Even as Kisame was floundering through his sudden child rearing lesson, Itachi was faced with baby shopping. The missing-nin apprehensively entered the local 'Babies-We-B' and was greeted by "Hello, My Name Is: Amber!"

"Why hello, sir, and welcome! I do hope you're having a just _spiffy _day! I sure am! And how may I help you today?" Amber smiled at the homicidal psychopath brightly. Itachi noticed she had dimples. He had the sudden urge to go on another killing spree.

"Clothes."

"Well, we've got plenty of that, sir. May I ask, what age are you shopping for?"

Itachi paused. Naruto was technically fourteen, but he appeared three, so…

"Three."

"Wonderful! And what gender is the little one?"

"Male."

"Then right this way, sir!" Amber practically skipped over to the young boys' section, with Itachi trailing behind silently, imagining ways to kill her.

Amber pulled out a blue t-shirt with matching sweat pants. "This piece is very popular at the moment."

The eldest remaining Uchiha stared at the hideous cartoon on the shirt's front.

"No."

Amber blinked. "O..ok. How about this one then?"

"No."

"Well, how abou-"

"No."

"Umm, there's thi-"

"No."

"How a-"

"No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

Exasperated, Amber threw her arms up. "Is there anything you like!"

Itachi gave this thought. He slowly turned in a circle, looking at everything in the store. Finally he stopped.

"Those."

Amber turned to look. Her mouth dropped open, and her eyes bulged. "Bu-but, those are…I mean you can't be…You..."

Itachi faced her, a murderous glare on his face. "Yes?"

Amber faltered.

"Uh…excellent choice, sir. Heh…heh.." Amber rushed off to package the frightening man's clothes. Her only thought:

'I thought he said the kid was a _boy._'


	3. Explanations, and Parental Consideration

Mommy Itachi 

By: EvilPyroKitty17

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Naruto is turned into a three year old, and thinks Itachi is his mom. How will the homicidal criminal handle motherhood?

Pairing: None

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. ; . ;

Non-beta'ed. Sorry.

Chapter 3: Explanations, and Parental Considerations

* * *

- 

-

"YOU STUPID BASTARD!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

The two ANBU outside of the Hokage's office winced. Jiraiya had entered her office 45 minutes ago, and they were beginning to doubt he'd ever leave, unless it was in a body bag.

They both ducked as Tsunade's desk went flying through the wall. Glancing at each other, they silently agreed that the woman was able to look after herself. They, on the other hand, might end up six-feet-under if they stuck around the office much longer. It may have been too late for the perverted old man, but they were young, and had lives to live.

The ANBU fled.

Tsunade was furious. Jiraiya had the nerve to come back to Konoha with out Naruto. Not only that, but he came back having left a _three-year-old_ Naruto in the Akatsuki's possession!! Come to think of it, why did she even leave Naruto in his care in the first place? The blonde woman turned to ask him where he thought Itachi and Kisame might have headed, only to realize that Jiraiya was laying in a pool of his own blood. "Damn. I hit him too hard again!" She looked around her office, surveying the damage.

Sighing, she thought, 'I need a drink.'

* * *

- 

-

Itachi had several outfits in his shopping cart, and was now walking down the aisles of 'Babies-We-B' trying to remember what else was needed to raise a child. He considered calling his mom and asking for advice, but then he remembered that he killed her.

'Oh well. Maybe there will be something I can use in the book section.'

Itachi turned his cart down the next aisle and began looking at the various titles.

"Motherhood for Dummies", "Parenting for Idiots", "To Sing a Mockingbird", and "We Should've Gotten a Dog Instead".

He frowned, realizing none of them were what he needed, if only- Yes! There! Itachi picked up the last volume of "So You're a Murderous Criminal and Suddenly Find Yourself Raising a Young Child, Who Is Really One of Your Adversaries, Now What Do You Do?"

He stared at it. It was really rather creepy. Who would've written something like that? And why was it so popular? He opened the book and scanned the table of contents till he found the page with the checklist of child rearing supplies. He flipped to page 65.

He went through the list in his head. 'Let's see. Clothes, check. Toys. . .hmm, well we've got some shurikens. . .that would work, what's next. . .sippy cup, blanket, diapers, stuffed animal, bib. . . '

He went through the store picking up what was needed as he went, and then checking the item off the list. Once he was satisfied he had everything that he would need, he walked to the check out, and paid for his purchases using Orochimaru's credit card (and took a second to wonder how long until the Snake man realized it was missing.)

As the eldest remaining Uchiha headed out of the store he overheard one of the cashiers ask his neighbor, "Have you seen Amber?"

Itachi smirked.

* * *

- 

-

Kisame was tired. Who knew watching a toddler was so hard? Heck, fighting whole teams of ANBU left him with more energy. . . maybe he could just rest his eyes for a moment. . . .

"KISAME!!" Itachi's hand flew out and BEECH slapped the shark man upside his head. "Wake up!"

Kisame jumped up. "What was that for?! I was just resting my eyes!"

"Where's Naruto?"

"He's right there!" Kisame turned and pointed to the empty spot on the ground behind him.

"Aw, shit."

* * *

_-_

_-_

_One Hour Earlier _

Naruto was having fun with Uncle Fishy. Uncle Fishy made _lots_ of funny sound and faces. But Naruto missed his Mommy.

That's why, when Uncle Fishy started snoring, Naruto decided to go on a Mighty Quest to find his mommy. He set off walking down an old path through the forest, imagining how happy his mommy would be to see him. He could imagine the tears of joy his mommy would undoubtedly shed when they were finally reunited.

About 2 minuets later the young blond spotted a pretty flying . . . _thing_!

Naruto's face split into a delighted grin, and he quickly ran after it, deeper into the forest. He had been following the pretty flying thing for awhile and was starting to feel tired. Suddenly he tripped, and fell to the forest floor with a loud THUMP.

He sat up and, after looking around, noticed that he was all alone in a dark scary place. Naruto wanted his mommy.

Crying, he stood and wobbled forward, until he saw a break in the trees. Naruto ran towards the light, desperate to get out of the forest which now frightened him.

His relief to be out was short lived, as he found himself to be on a log which was balanced precariously over a turbulent river.

Naruto's eyes filled with tears, and he screamed, _**"MOMMY!!!!"**_

* * *

- 

-

Itachi ran through the forest, following the trail Naruto had left. He was not worried about that brat; he was just interested in protecting his investment.

And what was Kisame thinking? He leaves him alone for a few hours, and what happens?! Honestly.

'And I'm **not** worried!'

Itachi suddenly heard Naruto scream his name-er-that awful name which Naruto insisted on calling him. Him and Kisame dashed through the forest, and out onto a river bank. About 12 feet from where they stood, Naruto was visible holding onto a log for dear life, and wailing.

"Naru-chan!" called Kisame. "Look, your mommy's back!"

The boy's eyes widened and he turned towards them. A grin formed of his mouth. "MOMMY!! Mommy came for Naru-chan!!!" He jumped up and tried to run to Itachi, completely forgetting the fact that he was on a flimsy piece of wood, which was suspended over a violent body of water.

As Naruto tumbled into the river's treacherous waters, Itachi turned to glare at Kisame. "I blame you for this."

He gazed at the river where Naruto was desperately trying to stay above the water. "Someone's going to have to go in there and get him out." He stated.

"Don't look at me," said Kisame backing away, **"I can't swim!"**

". . . . . . . . " Itachi stared at him, incredulous.

"What?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes." Admitted Kisame pitifully.

"Glub glub glub."

"Eh?" said both Kisame and Itachi. Their eyes widened, and they turned to the river, where only a few bubbles floated to the surface.

"Shit!" muttered Itachi as he threw of his cloak and jumped into the icey – alright, it was more of a room temperature, but that's no where near ad dramatic-water. He dived down, grabbed Naruto, and climbed back onto the bank. Naruto sat up coughing, and then grabbed onto Itachi, sobbing pitifully.

Itachi turned to Kisame and said in a conversational tone, as though he might have been commenting on the weather, or a fine sports game, "I'm going to kill you one of these days."

Kisame handed Itachi his cloak, and tried to be positive. "At least the kid didn't need mouth to mouth."

Itachi twitched.

* * *

- 

-

Back at the camp site, Itachi was using the newly bought Transformed Samurai Tortoises towel to dry Naruto off. Kisame meanwhile, sat staring at the discarded bags from his traveling companion's shopping trip. He shot a sly look at Itachi's back and reached for the nearest bag. Just as his hand touched the plastic, a kunai embedded itself centimeters from his hand.

"Er. . I was just. . checking to make sure nothing was broken!" Kisame laughed weakly. "Heh. . heh. . ."

Itachi stood up, and walked over to the bags. He searched through the bags, and then, apparently finding what he was looking for, picked up one of the bags and carried it over to Naruto, who was sitting by the fire, wearing nothing but a towel. "Naru-chan, I got you some new clothes today. Wanna see?"

The little boy beamed up at Itachi. "Mommy got Naru-chan clotheses? Yayss!!" He rolled around on the ground giggling happily.

Kisame looked at Itachi, "Is that normal?"

Itachi stared at Naruto, still rolling around in joy. "Probably not." He then sat down and began to pull out outfits, and lay them on the ground, so that Naruto and his 'Uncle Fishy' could see them all at once. As he was taking out the clothes, Kisame's eyes got wider and wider. "I-Itachi-san? You realize that those clothes aren't really. . .I mean, the brat is. . ." He stalled, wonder how to phrase what he wanted to say.

Itachi looked at him, and raised an eyebrow. "What? Naruto likes them, don't you Naru-chan?"

Naruto, who was staring at the clothes with eyes just as wide as Kisame's (though for an entirely different reason) nodded quickly. "Daisuki!!! Naru-chan loveses Naru-chan's new clotheses!!"

"Loves, not loveses, and clothes, not clotheses." Itachi corrected him.

Kisame could take it longer. He burst, "You can't have boy walking around in little Gothic Lolita dresses!!!"

Naruto whimpered, scared by Kisame's shouting. "Mommy, why is Uncle Fishy angry? Was Naru-chan bad?" His eyes began to fill with tears.

Kisame sweat dropped, and Itachi glared at the large man for making Naruto cry. Because, tear stains are a bitch to get out of clothes.

"I'm not angry, just. . .surprised." Kisame assured Naruto, while giving him what Kisame thought to be a reassuring smile, but Itachi thought would give most grown men nightmares for weeks. Naruto, luckily, was not exactly normal, and was considerably cheered by his Uncle Fishy's attempts to make him feel better.

Kisame turned to Itachi. "You know that those are all girl outfits, right? I mean. . he can't wear those!"

"Why not? They are cute. He will look good in them."

". . . Well, yeah, but. . ."

"No buts. He likes them. As do I. End of story."

Naruto, having no interest in boring grown-up talk, turned his attention back to the wondrous outfits his mommy had brought him. First there were several dresses, covered in lace and bows. There was a light blue one, a black and white one, and pure white one, a pink and white one, and a dark red one. Next there were several skirts of a similar style, as well as blouses which would accent the skirts perfectly. There were also a few things which Naruto assumed went on his head, and he practically squealed in delight when he noticed one had bunny ears on it. Other than the day wear, there was also a pajama set, which was a one-piece kitty suit, complete with paw footies.

Naruto was in heaven.

-

Next time: Presents, Rain, bath-time, bedtime stories, and Naruto picks up some bad habits.

* * *

**-**

**-**

**AN:** Um. . HI!! Heh. . .heh. . .don't kill me? Okay, so, first thing first, for all you wonderful people who reviewed, I LOVE YOU! huggles

For those who expressed concern over my intension or lack there of to continue this story, fear not. I never did drop this story, nor do I ever plan to. (Sorry to anyone who wishes I would.) Forgive my lack of update, but life happened. Hopefully, it won't happen again.

I do have this story all planed out, and some of it already written down (and it's kinda long.) And I hope to post at least one more chapter by Monday.

Next, thanks to everyone who pointed out errors, and please continue to do so. I love feed back of any kind, and if you think anything needs work, or even, is perfect as it is, please tell me. On grammatical mistakes when it comes to Naruto's speech, those are usually on purpose, as he's around three, and speaks as such. (Yes, I have asked actual three-year-olds to say certain words, so I know how he would say them.)

Hm, well feel free to email me, or IM me if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions. Oh! And has my writing gotten worse, better, or stayed the same since I disappeared?

Finally, if anyone would be interested in drawing a picture(s) to go along with Mommy Itachi, that'd be awesome! Maybe I can even do something nice for the first person who draws me one?

All my love,

EvilPyroKitty17

PS – Yes, I _am_ evil. Mwahahahaha!

PPS - Anyone else having trouble using the site? It's just not working right for me. . . ; . ; Must be a sign


	4. Getting To Know You

**Mommy Itachi**  
**By:** EvilPyroKitty17  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Summary:** Naruto is turned into a three year old, and thinks Itachi is his mom. How will the homicidal criminal handle motherhood?  
**Pairing:** None

* * *

Naruto spun around, laughing as his new dress billowed around him. "Mommy, Mommy! Look at Naru-chan!!" Naruto tottered up to Itachi and proudly showed off his new look. "Is Naru-chan cute?" 

"Cute." Itachi replied, reaching over to fix a bow on Naruto's dress. "Isn't he, Uncle Fishy?"

"Yeah, real cute, _Mommy._"

Naruto, ignoring the fact that his beloved family was glaring at each other like they wanted to rip each other's throats out, went over to the plastic bags whose contents still remained a secret. "Mommy, what in dis bag?" he asked, poking said bag.

Rather than answering verbally, Itachi decided to just show him (and Kisame who was, unsuccessfully, trying to act uninterested.) He grabbed the nearest bag and looked in. "Well, in here there are diapers, some eating supplies, and bath supplies." He picked up the next bag, and looked inside. "Ah. Naruto, I got you a present."

Naruto jumped up, and ran over to Itachi. "Present?! Where? I wanna see!" squealed the fox boy, jumping up and down.

Itachi pulled out a bright orange teddy bear. "Here." He thrust it at the hyper-active boy.

Naruto looked at the bear, his eyes wide. He reached for the bear, looking upon it as though it were a holy relic, and as his shaking fingers touched the soft fur of the stuffed toy, a smile lit up his face so bright it could've put even Gai-sensei to shame. Naruto held his new bear up into the air, as if to say, 'World! This bear shall be your king! Bow before it!' So powerful was the scene, you could practically hear the dramatic and entirely random explosives going off in the back ground.

"What the hell?" said Kisame, gaping at the child who stood holding a stuffed, day-glow orange teddy bear in the air. 'Why does it seem like there should be roaring waves behind him?' he wondered, and then suddenly he feared for his own sanity. 'This kid's not safe for long term exposure!'

Itachi shrugged. "I guess he likes it."

Naruto turned around suddenly, and held his bear before them proudly. "Honey-bear!"

Itachi and Kisame sat there blankly, wondering what he was smoking, and where they could get some – er – wondering what he was talking about! Yeah. . .that's it. . .

"Ho-ney-be-ar!" Naruto said more slowly, and then smiled at them encouragingly.

"Wha?" replied Kisame

"Honey-bear! Honey-bear!!"

"Shit! What's this kid going on about?" the shark man asked his partner.

"I think. . .Honey-bear is the bear's name. . . "

"Honey-bear!" shouted Naruto happily, cuddling his new best friend to his chest, and giving it lots of kisses.

Kisame and Itachi looked at each other, and shrugged. "Whatever makes him shut-up, I guess." Kisame said, in a tone which suggested that even he was unable to fully believe Naruto was capable of being quite for more than 20 seconds.

Itachi nodded in agreement, and began to rummage through the various bags once more. Naruto, meanwhile, was having a long conversation with Honey-bear. (Later, Kisame and Itachi would be disturbed to notice that the conversation was seemingly two sided – though only Naruto could hear the other side. Of course, this comes later.)

Kisame, growing bored with watching Naruto and Itachi off in their own little worlds, finally decided to break the silence. "So, what do we do now?"

"I suppose we should go into a near-by town and find a place to stay. From there we can contact the rest of the Akatsuki, and plan our next move.

"Naru-chan is hungry!!"

Kisame and Itachi both jumped, as Naruto popped up between them. (Not that they would ever admit it.) "I want food!" he yelled, stomping his feet down. "Uncle Fishy said Mommy would bring Naru-chan foodses!!"

Kisame looked at Itachi, who was looking at Naruto, who was glaring at Uncle Fishy. The Uchiha sighed, and told Naruto, "Uncle Fishy lied."

Naruto's eyes filled with tears, and he gave the shark man a look of pure betrayal. "Uncle Fishy. . .lied to meee?!! "

"Wha-what?!! I did no-!" Kisame's denial was cut short as a kunai embedded itself in the ground right between his legs. He suddenly felt it would be a good idea to be quiet.

"Hai. Uncle Fishy lied."

Naruto, turned to his once beloved Uncle Fishy, and kicked him in the shin. Then he sat down and promptly began to sob. "Uwaaaaa!!!!!"

"Great, now he's wailing. Why did you tell him I lied?!" Kisame whined.

"Because," Itachi shouted over the increasingly loud crying, "it made him forget he was hungry!"

Naruto was at this point rolling around on the ground and kicking, and flailing his arms about.

"How do we make him stop?"

". . . . . "

"Ha. Didn't think of _that_ did you?"

Thud

"Owww."

Itachi looked at Kisame who was lying on the ground and holding his head, and smirked. "Watch it, or Naruto will be having sushi for dinner.

". . . that's just mean, Itachi-san."

"It seems. . . quiet."

Kisame realized Itachi was right. He glanced at Naruto, only to see the kid laying passed out in the dirt, snoring quietly. "I guess," he said walking over to the sleeping child, "he wore himself out." Itachi came over to, and poked Naruto with a stick. Naruto mumbled, and rolled over, having happy dreams of day-glow orange bears, and homicidal psychopaths in aprons.

Itachi pulled out a blanket from a bag, wrapped Naruto up, and began to walk east, towards a town he knew to be about half-an-hour's walking distance away. "Let's go Kisame."

"Whatever you say, Mommy." replied Kisame grinning.

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

About ten minuets later, a very bruised Kisame caught up with Itachi and the sleeping Naruto. "Did you get all the bags?" Itachi asked him.

"Got 'em. And you didn't have to hit me so hard. . . " he began, but stopped when Itachi turned to glare at him, his eyes red. ". . .But I sure did deserve it. Ha. . . ha. . . ha. . ."

Naruto snuggled his head on his mommy's shoulder, and sighed in his sleep. Then he began to giggle. "Honey-bear, Mommy can't fly. . . ."

"Do we even want to know?"

"Probably not."

"Right."

Itachi and Kisame looked to the sky, as the earth shook from thunder, and a brilliant flash lit up the sky. "do you think we can make it to town before the rain starts?" the taller man asked.

"No." replied Itachi, as rain began to pour down.

"Damn it."

". . . . I blame you for this."

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

Twenty minuets later, a soaking wet pair of men carrying a sleeping, and equally soaked three year walked into an inn at the edge of a large village. The man who was in charge of the counter that night was sadly unaware of how fragile a thing life could be. He smiled happily, and shouted, "Good evening, travelers!!"

Instantly, the small child woke up, and feeling very uncomfortable, began to cry. "Mommy!" was about all the man working at the counter could make out, the rest of the kids words sounding like some weird mix of babbling, sobbing, and made-up words.

Itachi calmly handed Naruto to Kisame, much to both Kisame and Naruto's displeasure, and walked over to the man at the counter, the sharigan wheels spinning. "He slept, all the way here. Through the rain. No complaints. And then _you_ wake him up." Itachi grabbed the front of the man's shirt, and pulled him across the counter. "I am going to kill you." he spit out, furious.

The poor inn man tried to hide in his own shirt. "F-f-forgive me, sir. I-I'll do anything t-t-to make it u-up to y-y-you."

Itachi dropped him, disgusted. "A room. Now. And bring up food, and drinks."

The man hurried to comply, and Itachi turned to see Naruto bite Kisame's hand.

"Owwww!!!! He bit me!!" screamed the shark man, dropping the blond child.

"He does that."

Naruto ran to his Mommy, and grabbing his Mommy's cloak, blew his nose.

". . . . " twitch

"Y-your key, sir." said a timid voice behind them.

Itachi turned, grabbed the key, picked up Naruto, and stormed off to the room.

"Feh, drama queen." muttered Kisame, following them.

The inn worker, watched them walk off, and then, snapping out of his daze, realized he'd better find a meal for the guests. Quickly.

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

In the room, Itachi and Kisame were locked into an epic battle.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

"Paper beats rock. I win." said Itachi, triumphantly. "You get to give him a bath."

"Shit. How about best two out of three?"

"No."

"Fine! But you get to put him to bed."

Kisame turned to Naruto, who was once again talking to that bear. The bear, which just for a second, looked like it was glaring at him. . .

Kisame shook his head. 'Man, I'm losing it. Stuffed animals don't glare at people. . .right?'

"Bath time, Naru-chan!" he told the boy, with fake enthusiasm.

"Yay!! Bubbles?! Pleasssse!!"

"Yeaah, sure. Whatever kid."

Picking up Naruto, he walked past Itachi who was sitting at a table reading a pink magazine called CosmoBoy! and opened the door to the bathroom. Inside, he sat Naruto down on the ground, and took down the black cloaks, with red clouds, which they had hung in the bath room to dry. "Ok, you go potty, while I take these out there, and get your bath stuff."

"Ok Uncle Fishy!"

"Do you have to call me that?"

". . . Yes." Naruto smiled at him, "I love you Uncle Fishy!"

"You're. . .kinda creepy kid."

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

Kisame walked back into the main room, and threw the cloaks over a chair. "Hey, where's the bath stuff?" he asked Itachi.

"Over there." his partner replied, without even looking up from his magazine, where he was now taking a quiz on his 'Smex Appeal'. "Don't forget his pajamas"

"Right. The cat suit."

"Got a problem with it?" Itachi asked him in a mild tone. Too mild, Kisame decided.

"Nope. No problem. I love it in fact. Yes, very. . . uh, cat like. . .and stuff. . ." Kisame turned and ran to the bathroom.

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

He entered, only to find the floor covered with toilet paper. Naruto was nowhere to be seen. "Naruto?! Where'd you go?!" he whispered, trying not to let Itachi find out he'd lost the brat again.

"Hai!" shouted Naruto, popping up from under a pile of toilet paper.

"You. . .!" Kisame began angrily, but then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and asked the little boy in a calm voice, "Why is the toilet paper everywhere?"

"I dunno."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON"T KNOW?!!"

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

Itachi glared at the magazine. Who did it think it was, telling him he had a smex appeal of only 8 out of 10?! Someone would pay for this.

Kisame finally got Naruto into the bath, after cleaning up them mess Naruto made, then the mess Naruto made while he was cleaning up the first mess, and then arguing over whether or not he could have bubbles _and_ toys (a bite mark on Kisame's other hand said he could). Naruto was splashing happily in the tub, and throwing bubble everywhere, when he got a brilliant idea. Uncle Fishy, he was sure, was only looking that depressed because he wanted to play in the bubbles to!

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

Itachi was not sure which to choose. Sure, the burgundy was a nice color, but wouldn't it clash with his eyes? He flipped a page, and continued reading, stopping only briefly to look up when an horrible scream and loud splash came from the bath room. He stared at the door for a moment, then went back to reading. Kisame probably wouldn't drown. Probably.

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

A long while later, Kisame and Naruto emerged from the bathroom, one looking like a drowned rat, the other like a very satisfied kitten. The kitten ran towards his mommy. "Looky, looky! Naruto is kitty!"

Itachi set down his sword and a bloody cloth next to the table which now had a large meal on it, and turned to Naruto.

Naruto had on his new kitty pj's, which was a one piece suit, complete with paw footsies, a tail, and a cat ear hood. It was a little big on the blond, but all in all, it was very cute. Itachi pulled out a camera and took a picture, then quickly stuffed the camera back in his shirt.

"Did you just pull a camera out of your shirt and take a picture?"

"No."

". . . .sure you didn't. . . ."

Naruto climbed onto his mommy's lap, and pointed at the food. "Eat now!"

"Ah." Itachi, smiling, pulled Naruto off him and sat him down in the chair next to him. "Eat."

Kisame sat down in the third chair, the fourth having their cloaks hanging on it. "You look happier, Itachi-san. Normally, you only get this cheerful after killing someone."

". . . . . "

"You killed someone didn't you?"

". . . . ."

"Did they at least have it coming?"

". . . .8 out of 10."

"What?"

"Naru-chan wants that!" Naruto interrupted, pointing to a bottle of sake.

"Sorry, kid, you're way to young for that." his Uncle Fishy replied, laughing.

Naruto, was not amused. "Gimmie! Gimmie! Or I'm gonna bill you!!"

"Bill me?"

". . . .I think he means kill. . . "

"Damn. Now he's picking up your habits."

"Damn!" Naruto parroted joyously.

"Whose habits?" Itachi shot back at Kisame.

"Damn it! Don't you start f-ing cussing!" Kisame told Naruto, who watched him with wide eyes.

"Shut up and eat."

"Right."

**_x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x_**

Itachi sat on the side of the bed, tucking the blond boy into bed. "Ok, now go to sleep."

"Tell me a story?"

"No."

Naruto pouted. "Then Naru-chan won't sleep."

". . .fine. One story." Itachi said, knowing it would be pointless to resist. "Once upon a time, there was a wicked witch, named Maruchioro. Maruchioro was ugly, and her daughters Tobuka and Kesusa were really weak. So Maruchioro decided to capture the princess Toruna, and steal her beauty and strength. Maruchiru dressed up as a snake, and went to Toruna's grandfathers' house, where she knocked the old man out, and put on his pimp outfit. When Toruna showed up she knew something was up, as her grandfather was not that ugly! So, she turned and ran, only just that morning she had bought these new glass shoes, so all she could really do was hobble. Maruchioro quickly caught her, and locked her in a sugar cookie tower. She then made Toruna sew oriental rugs in her sleep, while her very weak, pathetic, and lacking in hate daughters went to shop for a new over, big enough for the princess. Meanwhile, a prince who was ridding by on his horse, heard the princess's snores, and instantly feel in love. Prince Chitai ate a maaaagical mushroom, and grew really big. Then, just as he was about to pull the sleeping princess from the sugar cookie tower, the evil ugly witch Maruchioro appeared, and turned him into an ugly monster. Then, she took the princess and trapped her in a bed side lamp. Prince Chitai was thrown into the ocean, and would've drown, if it were not for the help of a mermaid Mesaki. To be continued. Now go to sleep."

Naruto yawned. "Kiss, Mommy?" he asked, his arms cuddling Honey-bear.

Itachi twitched. "No." Naruto latched onto his arm, and began to cry – again.

"Fine!" Itachi vent down, kissed the little bugg-er-darling child on the head, and then jumped away the second Naruto's grip loosened.

"Nice story."

"I hate you."

Next time: Sick, New Mission, a Fox's Complaints, and Bear-ly Sane.

* * *

**AN: ** Anyone else hate school? x , x 

Please tell me if you see any mistakes, etc. And I love all of your comments, so thank you! I'm amused, because some of you have guessed certain events which will happen later in the story.

Watashi wa mina-san ga daisuki desu!!


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